Red String
by impavid fool
Summary: They will tread into fire together, even though it'll burn them alive. [Levi/Petra]


**.**

**.**

**.**

'Do you believe in God?'

They're losing the fight, and his vision is clouded by the perception of death. He can't stop thinking, every second his mind is restless, going over and over the past. It's impossible to stop. His own mind is driving him to insanity. Slowly, very slowly, he has transformed into a creature he doesn't recognise. But, really, from the very start, Levi was never entirely sane to begin with.

It is like _claws_. Sharp claws that dig into his _skin_, peel off his flesh, and grab his heart. The claws stab the strong, yet weak muscle, and he can't breathe. His chest tightens, his sight narrows, and he knows the only way for release is to cry. He has to _break_. His body is begging him to _give in_, to surrender to his emotions –– just _once_. Levi is _killing_ himself by denying everything. He is torturing his fragile form, exhausting himself. He wants to be someone he isn't; he doesn't want to feel. He doesn't want to _live_ and be _prone_ to feelings.

The man would do anything to _stop_ his mind. To terminate his thoughts. _Anything_. Internally, he is screaming, _screaming so damn loud_. Because all he can see is her, every day, every moment, _all he sees is her_. And all he sees is what could have been, all he sees is a future he created, an imaginary world where fate is on his side. She is always there, trapped in his mind, his _dreams_. She is how he remembers her, light on her feet, delicate features, but a fierce will, and a wonderful smile.

But nothing good lasts forever –– she is gone when he is brought back to reality. She's disappeared. She has just _abandoned him_. She keeps breaking her promise, again, and again, and again. Every time she does, it tears him a little more. Then, afterwards, he thinks of how he last knew her –– _dead_. Lifeless. There wasn't even an opportunity for him to say farewell, there wasn't even a _moment_ when he could hold her. _She died alone_. Levi doesn't –– _can't_ –– imagine what her last thought must have been. The last thing she saw.

It isn't fair. None of it is _fair_. He thinks –– why her? Why did _she_ have to die? There are so many cruel, venomous people in the world, and the kindest, sweetest was taken away. Taken away from _him_. She was taken from him so quickly, too fast. He wasn't prepared, and he still isn't. Levi still can't bring himself to accept the fact she is not coming back. She will never come back.

**.**

**.**

**.**

_For the first time in months, they're able to sleep on a bed, they are able to have a roof above their heads and eat decent food. It makes him smile slightly, because she's so happy and excited. Petra never complains, she's a good woman, a great soldier, but when treated to luxury, she's the happiest lady in the world. She can't stop smiling, and she has to hug him, and he hesitates before hugging her back. She's warm, a little shaken, and tired. It's been a tough couple of months; they're all exhausted, beaten._

_But when his squad have gone to sleep, Levi remains on the settee, mug of tea in hand. He's suffering insomnia again, he can't sleep and he won't try. He's not tired, anyway. The room is dimly lit by a candle on the table beside him, and it's cosy. He likes the quiet, this small opportunity of success and victory. They have survived, they have survived for this long, and that is, at least, something he can celebrate about._

_Levi rests his head back and closes his eyes. A sigh escapes his parted lips._

'_Corporal?'_

_Instantly he's alert, and whips his head around to see who greeted him. However he already knows; he recognises that soft voice. Petra looks sweet, a blanket wrapped around her petite frame, half asleep, but watching him with mild concern. He clears his throat. 'You should rest.'_

'_So should you,' she smiles, and he fights the urge to smile back. Petra climbs onto the sofa and sits close beside him, snuggled in her blanket. He doesn't object to this. He's used to Petra enjoying his company. What about his company she enjoys he has no idea. He's not exactly a people person. 'You didn't seem happy today,' she comments, and he catches her gaze. Levi leans his head to the side; she seems upset, upset about his lack of enthusiasm, she thinks there's something wrong._

_How he wishes she didn't consider his feelings so much. It won't do her any good. 'I have a lot on my mind.'_

'_We all do. That doesn't mean you can't crack a smile every once in a while. I mean, I can't believe we found such a nice place to stay in,' she's gone back to her usual joyful self. _

_Levi sighs again. 'I suppose you're more appreciative of the good stuff than I.' He raises the mug to his lips and sips his tea. He knows she's watching him, and he doesn't want to see her expression. For some reason, watching that smile fade away into disappointment unsettles him greatly. Petra's happiness has always been somewhat inspiring for him, her optimism and kindness. It's a generous gift which she shares, and he snatches greedily. _

'_Maybe you haven't found what makes you smile yet,' she suggests. 'You will one day, I'm certain.'_

'_Really?'_

'_Really.'_

You have no idea. _Levi focusses on his tea, swallows. Sighs again. 'Maybe I already have,' he allows. When he says this, he feels a tingling sensation inside him, his heart aches. Because suddenly it all falls into place. His adoration for her is not something he can shrug off. He can't believe it's taken him this long to realise, but he knows, for certain now, that he is falling in love. It's a terrible agony. A poison which drips into his veins, decaying his body. He notices her shuffle closer. _

'_Tell me,' her voice is soft, curious, daring._

_Levi drops his gaze. 'It's not interesting.'_

_A long silence is held between them, but he doesn't look at her. His pride is in the way, his lack of self esteem. Levi is not a good man; he has killed, he is a murderer, he has so much blood on his hands it's shocking the sword doesn't slip from his grip. He is a dark man, void of emotions, and yet he is so deeply in love. Infatuated. His body completely surrenders to the feeling; he grows clammy, his heart pace quickens, and he is alert of her every movement. He wants her to stop looking at him, but wants her to never look away._

_He wants her to keep smiling, to keep shoving her positive energy his way, because that's all he has. She is the crack in the darkness, the light he has been searching for for years. Now he's found it, finally, he doesn't know what to do. Levi doesn't know what to do. He's lost._

'_Corporal.'_

'_Mm?'_

_Everything stills for a moment. Something pushes him to look at her, and instantly his breath catches in his throat. There's a pure innocence in her eyes that he hasn't witnessed before, a childish nature, a curiosity which, one day, will be the death of her. He's fascinated, attached. He doesn't look away. In this moment, she's captured him completely, he is hers in every way possible. _

_And it feels good. To surrender. For the first time, Levi feels good in backing down._

_Their lips brush together, and he opens his mouth slightly, leaning in, but she backs away a little. She gasps, he can feel the warmth of her breath, and she knits a hand through his short hair, and he closes his eyes, and they kiss, once, then again, longer, harder. Petra moans softly when he takes control, his hands finding her waist, and his tongue gliding over her lower lip, before entering her mouth, growing more confident each second. She moans again, and he's intoxicated, he can't focus, his heart is wild, and his passion for her is __**burning**__. _

_One of them pulls away, and he realises it's Petra. They need to pause, but she's already leaning into him again, and they share open-mouthed kisses together, slowly, gently. Levi's dominance begins to crumble fast. He reaches out to hold her cheek, before placing it at the back of her head, pushing her closer, tightening the close proximity between them. Levi can't stop, he can't retreat. Effortlessly, without even knowing, he has placed himself in her hands, and he will tell her here and now, he is hers. He belongs with her._

**.**

**.**

**.**

That question brings him back, and he stares at Eren for a while. For now, he doesn't have an answer. He doesn't quite know what he believes in. The only thing he _wanted_ to believe in was crushed before his very eyes. Stolen from him. His shattered heart is evidence of that. He wonders if Eren will ever have the opportunity to endure what Levi suffers; this _awful_ torture. It's been a fortnight, and Levi still can't fucking _breathe_. He misses her so much, _needs_ her, he needs her more than anything in the world, and he can't have her.

The one time he finds something worth living for, the one time he's given _happiness_––

'Why?'

Eren blinks, glances at the window. 'Because I want to know if there's any hope left.'

It's how he says it, so clearly, no hesitance whatsoever. Levi looks away. He wants to say "no". God doesn't exist, because if God did exist, he would have to _beg_ for Levi's forgiveness. And Levi can't possess that much anger and hatred within him. Despising an eternal, all powerful being is too much for one small, insignificant, mortal creature. So, he wants to say God doesn't exist.

And he wants to say _don't cling onto hope_. There's no point.

The moment he clings onto hope, Eren will only be left with sheer disappointment. Raging turmoil. _Despair_.

Or, maybe he has already begun to enter this stage. Something's happened; Eren has started thinking, doubting; _someone_ has caused him to ask this question. Someone out there is crushing his hopes, someone out there is _hurting_ him. Someone out there is losing touch with Eren; _Eren is losing someone_.

'You're allowed to hope, kid.'

Levi did once. Hoped for a bright future.

Somehow, love possessed him, love transformed him. Love made him happy, love made him naïve, love made him hope. Then, love destroyed him.

**.**

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**.**

_It's pouring with rain and she yells at him to leave her alone. They had lost five members of the squad today; they had been crushed and engorged alive. It had been a horror, and the survivors are scarred. Levi knows Petra was good friends with one of the deceased, and he wants to ask if she's okay. She's walked a few metres away from the camp, she needs to be alone, come to terms with what just happened. _

_But he's driven to follow her. He's worried. Levi is worried. He cares about her so much he's worried._

_When she scolds him, when she expresses his anger, he's stumped. Levi has never witnessed her like this before, and he should walk away, leave her be, but he can't. He's not that strong. Cautiously, he approaches her. Petra's holding herself, but she isn't crying. She has her back turned to him, and she's getting wet from the rain. She'll catch a fever if she's not careful. _

'_Petra––'_

'_I said I want to be alone.' She doesn't shout this time, but her voice is sharp._

_Levi is used to sharp, though. 'That's not going to happen. I ordered you to try and keep the fire going––'_

'_Like you ordered us to fight those Titans today? Look what happened there––'_

_It's cruel. It's unjustified she's placing the blame on him, and it pisses him off. Because Levi is so damn careful about how he attacks the Titans. They are vicious, brainless monsters, but sometimes they tended to have the upper hand, and it wasn't his fault there was a sudden ambush. He underestimated the amount, he had been careless. But just this once, just this once. Heck, Petra would have done the exact same thing. If not, she would have made a worse mess than he did. So she has no right to talk to him like that._

_No right at all._

'_Shut up!'_

_His voice is heavy, loud, it echoes the deserted area. Petra glares at him, but obeys. She doesn't say a word._

_Levi isn't finished yet though. He comes closer, and suddenly he's taller, a giant, he's huge, he's in charge, he's the boss, he's the commander, he's the man who has to deal with the loss, not her. 'I did everything I could. Thanks to me, the majority of us survived. If anyone else were put in charge, then you can bet only three of us would be returning to inside the Wall. This is what life is like out here, Ral. If you're not prepared for what's at stake, then you are dismissed. I will gladly strip you from your title, and your position within the Survey Corps. Go join the Military Police for all I care––'_

'_Don't talk to me like I'm small and brainless. Don't treat me like you treat everyone else. I know exactly what is at stake here, Levi.' She catches her breath. She's so upset and angry, she needs to stop. 'But are you that dumb you didn't see what happened? I was there. I had to watch someone close to me get killed –– __**again**__. I have watched so many people I've grown close to get eaten, and it's––'_

'_I know,' he cuts through her. 'You shouldn't get close to anyone, Ral.' He pauses. 'You're young; you're still learning. You can't attach yourself to your comrades, because losing them might kill you. And I can't risk losing soldiers from their own insanity. Do you understand?'_

_Petra understands, and the anger slowly changes into how she should be reacting. Sadness, she needs to mourn. She needs to cry. Holding back the tears is only causing more damage than good. 'It's too late,' she whispers. _

_For some reason, he whispers too. 'What is?'_

_But he knows. He knows exactly what she's talking about. It's too late to voice such a warning, to not get attached. They've made the mistake of getting too close already. It occurs to him that they won't be side by side for long, one of them will disappear. Levi doesn't express his shock. He watches her roughly wipe away a few tears, and he waits, patiently, for her to recover. _

_While he waits, he starts to taunt himself. He wants to prepare himself for the risk of losing her as well, but, just the very thought––_

'_I'm not going anywhere.'_

_He says this with utmost confidence, and he's a fool. He's naïve, but he doesn't care. _

'_Please don't say that––'_

'_I'm not going anywhere.'_

_She looks offended, insulted, __**desperate**__. Levi says it again, and he promises, he promises her he's not going anywhere, and he wants her to promise the same. He __**needs**__ her to promise the same. She won't leave him, he needs to know she won't leave him too. He __**needs**__ her. He needs her to tell him. And he wants her to smile, jump back to her usual self, the girl he knew so long ago. The recruit who was ridiculously enthusiastic to join the Survey Corps; who knew what lay ahead, but her passion for victory drove her to the point of signing a death sentence. _

_Now, she's breaking, her brightness is slowly fading away. __**She's turning into him**__. And he can't lose that. He can't take away what made Petra her. He needs to bring her back, whatever it takes. Needs to remind her she isn't alone, he has to remind her. He has to help her._

_Levi comes closer, and the moment his lips meet hers, Petra flings her arms around his neck, and they kiss hungrily, filled with so much rage, so much guilt, grief and agony, they __**cling**__ to each other. Her skin is wet from the rain, and he kisses her face softly, then her neck, his tongue and teeth marking her, and she consents, she moans, holds him closer, says __**yes**__. The atmosphere, the mood is not like the first time they kissed. Now there's desperation, an urgency, a rush, they need to be quick, they're scared._

_His shirt is roughly pulled off, and he helps her out of her own uniform. The cold night air tickles their bodies, and they hold each other close, sharing each other's warmth. Petra meets the grass, and he straddles her, kisses her breasts, her abdomen, her neck, jawline. She arches her back, twisting her fingers through his now unruly hair, feels his breath against her ear when he promises again he isn't going anywhere. Feverishly, she unbuckles his belt and he unzips his trousers before flinging them uselessly to the side._

_There is little light, but his fingers trail over her scars and bruises. He notices how some cuts are still fresh, one having been reopened from their movements. Blood lingers on his fingertips, and he inhales sharply when he feels her hands on his chest. He's warmer than she expected. Rain drips from his hair onto her, and he shelters the girl from the storm, he's shivering and cold, and his fragility makes her love him even more. _

_He looks down on her, catches her gaze, and the anger has faded. The denial, the frustration. And when she smiles softly at him, he feels dreadful, but he can't stop. He doesn't–– he doesn't know what he should do. Petra leans up a little to catch his lips, and this time, they kiss gently, slowly, a silent agreement shared between them that they want this, that even though they shouldn't, they will do this. _

_They will tread into fire together, even though it'll burn them alive._

_Levi carefully moves into her, and she makes a small noise of surprise; he pushes a little further, and feels her cling onto his arms. He's scared again; he's hurting her, and he stops immediately, waits patiently, and is willing to retreat at once if she says so. But she opens her eyes, looks at him, presses a hand to the back of his head and forces him down to kiss her lips. He's broken her. Plagued her with his own disease. They pull apart briefly, and he rocks gently, carefully, watches her. He's trembling; it's been years since he's been this close to a woman before, except this time is different, this time is much, much more different._

_Her breaths grow heavier, and her hands rest at his shoulders, before slowly trailing down to his waist where she embraces him. Levi picks up his pace some more, and the pleasure he endures is overwhelming, he gasps, groans, pressing his mouth to her neck, kisses her, and hears her whisper his name. She caresses his sides, gently presses a hand to one side of his face, kisses his cheek, his chin, his nose, every inch. _

_Levi's chest rubs against her own when he pushes a little more into her, and they kiss passionately, kiss hard and greedily, she moans into his mouth and he reaches his peak. His arms shake under his weight, and his mind closes completely and he's lost in a whiteness of pure bliss and happiness which he cannot fathom. 'I love you.' He hears her, and he loves her too. Loves her more. _

_They catch their breath, recover, and pull on their damp clothes before lying back down into the grass again. She faces him, and he holds her, and her thumb strokes his cheek tenderly. He's bristly, he needs to shave, and it's such a normal, silly issue it makes her want to cry again. How she wishes she could wake up to this man every morning and nag him to shave, give him breakfast, offer him the happiness he so deserves. His eyes were a void of darkness, lost in a past he is trapped in, and she is desperately pulling him through._

_Unbeknownst to her, he dreams of a pitiful future too, a normal, perfect life he needs. She is all he requires to make that future possible, and she is the only one. No one else can make him feel like this, no one else can make him buckle down, and dream away. No one else can bring back his humanity the way she did._

_Levi wants to ask –– you won't leave me, will you? _

_But something stops him. It's like a bullet. Sharp, sudden, instant. He doesn't ask her, because he knows her answer may not be entirely true. She can promise to not leave him, promise to stick by his side, but he dreads to know how long for. How long fate will be kind to them._

_How long left, until she fades away, slips from his hands––_

**.**

**.**

**.**

Finally, he has an answer.

He knows that the one thing that matters to him has gone, lost, but he can't live a life believing that it's all finished, it's all done, it's all ended. Levi can't possibly do that. He has to cling to the idea she waits for him somewhere, with her beautiful smile, dressed in white, waiting for her love, _him_. Wait at the gates of Heaven, where they are free from everything cruel. Where there is just them; where they can be.

He wants to believe in her, wants to believe she hasn't abandoned him completely. Not yet.

That's what drives him, keeps him going. She'll wait, patiently, until it is his time, too. He's an idiot, but he has no choice, he has to think this way. He _must_.

'I _have_ to believe in God.'

Eren is silent.

But nothing more needs to be said.

**.**

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**.**

_It's a sharp order, and he's willing to snap anyone's neck who disobeys. Fortunately, his scouts register this, and proceed to remove the bodies from the trailer. Levi doesn't look away; he isn't a coward, he's willing to watch. The few bodies are slowly dismantled from their straps, and then shoved off the edge. It's done so carelessly, so heartlessly, but as each body is removed, the trailer no longer slows them down. They are able to move faster, flee faster. For the good of his subordinates, Levi has to do this, there is no time to mourn._

_But he knows her body is the last to fall. Her corpse is wrapped up, he can't see her, but he knows. And he watches as it's pushed off the side, and rolls down the steep hill. He looks away. Then it hits him: the shock, the revelation, everything. Then his heart __**breaks**__, and, finally, finally, he is a man possessed. He is angry, he is haunted, he is utterly destroyed. He breaks his promise, he let her go, he __**abandoned**__ her._

_Levi doesn't look back once. _

**.**

**.**

**.**

He misses her. Misses her touch, her smiles, her kisses, her words, misses everything about her. But he is still able to stand and keep going; a toy for war. That's what he is; a weapon. A human weapon, waiting to die, but, now, death is not something he fears. Death is his reward, death is his release from the chains, when wings will finally be granted to him, and he can reach her––

Levi excuses himself from the table, and Eren nods, quiet. It's only when his commanding officer has gone does he notice the ring. It's delicate, and lovely, a small, blue diamond attached. Eren picks the ring up, frowns, and is about to chase after Levi to hand it back.

Then he realises Levi had left it behind on purpose. He has no need for it anymore.

Finally, Levi is able to let go.

**.**

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**author's note**: Because I ship these two and am in total denial that Levi is as cold as he seems. I actually enjoyed writing this, even if it's heavy with angst, but when do I ever write anything but? Thank you to those who read this, I really appreciate that.


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